


Adora self harm fic

by Dolchang1



Category: She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (2018)
Genre: F/F, Help, Hurt Adora (She-Ra), Hurt/Comfort, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I actually don't know if I'm going to write her cutting herself in great detail, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Self-Worth Issues, The Author Regrets Everything, Why yes I project my traumas onto Adora's despite my pain being nothing compared to her, it kinda hurts to think about that, so archive warning might be wrong idk, why do you ask?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-20
Updated: 2021-02-01
Packaged: 2021-03-11 00:55:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,448
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28196505
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dolchang1/pseuds/Dolchang1
Summary: Adora self harm incidents over the course of her life, before, during, and after canon. This is just me projecting, obvious tw for self harm and negative thoughts. No betas, just me wrestling with this work at 2 am. Characters are probs some degree off, pls comment. Don't expect too much, honestly, this is mostly self indulgence of a kind.
Relationships: Adora & Angella (She-Ra), Adora & Bow (She-Ra), Adora & Catra (She-Ra), Adora/Catra (She-Ra), Bow & Glimmer (She-Ra), Bow/Glimmer (She-Ra)
Comments: 31
Kudos: 130





	1. Catra

**Author's Note:**

> Adora cuts herself, Catra notices. Pre canon. TW for self harm, though it's not graphic or anything.

It all started when Adora first got her standard-issue combat knife. It was an accident at first, she was sure of that. Just training for close quarters with a knife, when she accidentally cut herself in the arm. It just happened to be the night Catra got a 'scolding' from Shadow Weaver, which she did have a reason for but was too harsh in Adora's opinion. 

The warlock had made Adora carry Catra's limping body from the Black Garnet Chamber to the barracks, and to say Adora felt bad was an understatement. Adora's failure to lead the team to victory has led Shadow Weaver getting rightfully mad, but at the wrong person. Sure, Catra was a little disrespectful, but that was no reason to punish her in such a way that she could barely afford to walk the day after.

Adora should have gotten punished, that's what she thought. Adora then had a thought; what if she punished herself so she would have another reason to not fail her squad? So she could get to know a fraction of the pain Catra has gone through? So she started her secret punishments, changing her clothing from a short sleeved T-shirt to a long sleeved turtleneck to hide her wounds. The other cadets didn't need to know about her wounds, especially since they could use it against her in combat. But she had no idea it was that wrong until Catra found out about it.

Adora didn't know why she thought she could hide her new secret from Catra. Three days in, she confronted her about it. 

"Lemme see your wrist," she had said. Adora begrudgingly rolled up her sleeve, revealing a striped pattern of scab and blood. Catra's face was unmoving, but Adora could notice the slight twitching of Catra's ears, and the anxious way her tail flicked around.

"So, you're jealous of my pain now?" Catra snapped. "How spoiled do you have to be to hurt yourself cuz Shadow Weaver won't do it for you? Huh?" Adora's heart was sinking. If only she could make Catra understand why, she wouldn't be mad, right? "Catra, I can explain!" Catra cocked her eyebrow in response. "Explain." "I… I felt like I wasn't doing enough for, for, our squad and I failed them and I needed some way to keep myself from, you know, failing them." 

"So you did this because you felt guilty about  _ them _ ?"

"And you too! I should have done better, give Shadow Weaver no chance to hurt you and-"

"Adora, just… stop.” Catra pinched her eyebrows. “What you're doing is bad for you, and me. What do you think Shadow Weaver will do if she finds out about these?" Catra spat, pointing at Adora's wounds. Adora flinched back. "She won't applaud you for your  _ noble sacrifice _ , she'll find some way to blame me for this. By Hordak, Adora. Were you this dense?" Adora hadn't thought of that. There she was, after their promises to look out after each other, forgetting about Catra again. 

"And- argh!" Catra shouted out in frustration, then took a moment to collect herself. "Adora, this is not good, okay?" She was now looking at her in a worrying way that made Adora’s heart ache more than when she was being angry with her. What could she do except fold? “I’m sorry, Catra. I won’t do that again.”

And so she didn’t… until after the Battle of Bright Moon.


	2. Angella

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set sometime between S1 and S2.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Obvious tw for self harm. No betas, just me writing this shit at 3am. Ngl, I wish I had someone like Angella. Don't we all, though?
> 
> Fun fact: I pretend this work doesn't exist during hours I am functional.

She thought for sure they would last. What was supposed to be a symbolic scar, eight claw marks running down her back, was gone almost as soon as it was formed. The mark of her failure to save Catra, as well as her other failures that led her to this point. 

What was supposed to be the mark of penance, gone before it even existed for Adora. Just one of the many things She-Ra had taken from her, she thought. But then, an idea was formed at the back of Adora's mind again. She would make herself a wound not unlike the ones she got from Catra, to remember everything. Everyone she failed.

And who was going to stop her this time? Catra?

Adora waited until a night when the kitchen staff went home early, to grab a knife, any edge that was  _ not  _ the Sword of Protection. She wanted to do away from the weapon as much as possible.

She chuckled darkly at the thought, reeking with irony. What was she without the Sword anyways? When she could barely stop anything bad from happening without it?

But the deed was done, she was alone in her bedroom, no Swift Wind, no Best Friend Squad, just her and the knife.

She dragged the blade across her arms, feeling pain that was almost liberating.

She had almost failed the Rebellion. She gave up, and if the princesses arrived a little bit later, Bright Moon would have fallen already.

She was not enough, enough to stop the Horde and end the suffering of the thousands under their thrall.

And Catra, she didn't even want to think about how many times she failed her. Countless times before she found the Sword, and even after by failing to turn her to the Rebellion.

What was she, anyways? Why did the Sword choose her of all people? 

Adora swiped away at her arm until the thoughts were gone, cleaned the wounds, then returned the knife where she found it, same state as before. She didn't think much about it until she woke up the day after.

Adora was shocked, for some reason. She did carve them to last, but seeing them actually leave a mark on her arms brought surprise. Then shame. No one could know about this. She-Ra, inflicting wounds on herself? A weakness that could be exploited, as well as be demoralizing to the Rebellion. 

It wasn't the only thing wrong about it-Catra had suffered her whole life, and Adora chose to hurt herself. Was she 'jealous of her pain', like Catra said? Was she doing this not to punish herself, but because of a twisted need for validation? She wasn't sure, and she didn't want to think about it, either.

But she couldn't stop. She knew she was being irrational, but she couldn't. So every week, she sneaked down to the kitchen, did it, rinse and repeat.

Until one week, she opened the kitchen door to be greeted by a stern face. Queen Angella. She was sitting down in a regal pose as always, and her face was hard to decipher at first. But she didn't have to know what she was thinking to know she was in trouble.

"Uhh, your majesty! I was, uhh, hungry and-"

"Looking for this?"

Angella pulled out the knife. Adora's heart sank and she was sure that her expression had gave her away, if there was anything left she didn't know.

She expected Angella to be angry, to scold her about how what she was doing was dangerous. She expected to get punished, for damaging the Rebellion's greatest asset.

She flinched when Angella opened her mouth, her old habits expecting scathing words about unacceptable behavior, but what came out was anything but.

"Adora, I promise what happens here will stay between us. Please, why did you hurt yourself?"

Adora ran back to her room, and tried her best to forget about it and sleep. She slept in. Angella was going to be even more disappointed now. When she entered the room for the weekly briefing, pretending that nothing was going on, she found only one person, the person she wanted to avoid most.

"The others are on a mission, per my request."

Adora realized that running away was not going to work.

"Your majesty, I'm so sorry. If news got around to the Horde, it could have been detrimental to-"

Angella hugged her from behind without her even realizing it, and soon she was breaking down in her arms.

_ Weak. A shameful display. _

"Adora, I want you to know that we're behind you, even if you think the burden is yours alone to take."

_ You will lead them all to their doom. _

"Adora? Are you okay?"

Adora nodded, blinking away her tears. Angella then knelt to cup Adora with her soft hands. 

"Adora, can you tell me why you hurt yourself?"

Adora nodded. It was the least she could do. So she told the queen about how she felt she failed everyone, at Plumeria, at Princess Prom, the Crystal Castle… 

Angella embraced her once again. 

"Adora, though the responsibility thrust upon you is crushing, you have done better than anyone else could. You have reinvigorated our stagnant Rebellion, you rebuilt the Princess Alliance, and you saved Bright Moon."

"But, your majesty, I got Glimmer and Bow captured. I gave up at Bright Moon, I-"

"Hush. Adora, you mean much, much more for us than you think you do. We don't love you because you bring us victories, we love you because you are just, compassionate and thoughtful. So please, stop being so tough on yourself. Show yourself the mercy you show others."

And so Adora did, until she failed the Queen and Glimmer at once by not closing the portal herself. Because why show mercy to someone who brings only pain and misery to others?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Idk how Angella got to know and tbh I don't care. 
> 
> Words I wished to hear: we're right behind you. You are not alone. 
> 
> Words I heard: were we not enough? How spoiled do you have to be? If you die, we(my parents) will kill ourselves, and your brother will be left alone. Do you want that?


	3. Bow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set after S4Ep8. Bow notices something is off with Adora.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To the two people who wanted to read this chapter, thanks. Writing this was an experience for sure. A good one, I think. Anyways thanks for encouraging me to write this.

The duty that barred her from living properly also bound her to the living. Adora knew at this point she was unwelcome by the new queen, her best friend, if she could still call her that. 

Adora was willing to die for many things. First, Catra and the Horde, then the Rebellion and her friends. But before recent events, she, for the first time, wanted to live. To see them, spend time with Bow and Glimmer and the other Princesses. Adora loved spending time with them and thought they loved her as she did them. 

But now, the truth was evident. She wasn't sure about Bow, but Glimmer at least only needed She-Ra. And who could blame Glimmer? She was perfectly useless. She couldn’t protect Catra, nor get her to come with her, and now it seemed her redemption was not possible at all, which made Adora’s heart ache in many ways. And she couldn’t stop Shadow Weaver from getting to Glimmer and twisting her, like she did Catra. Useless as Adora, and now that the Rebellion was on the brink of defeat, as She-Ra, too. 

She contemplated many things after that day, when Glimmer all but called her responsible for Angella’s death. After some thinking, Adora thought Glimmer was right. She should have lied, even incapacitate the queen if necessary. She was just an asset, Queen Angella was the leader of the Rebellion. The queen said she was a coward, but that was far from the truth. 

Adora was too scared to stand up to Shadow Weaver.

Adora was too scared to really commit to bringing Catra home.

Adora was too scared to lose everything by closing the portal.

And now she was paying the price.

Adora wept silently in her own room, the waterfall trickling masking the sound of her tears. Queen Angella had more or less taught her what a real mother figure should be. She’d made Adora be able to feel safe in her own home. And she helped Adora through her turmoils…

The cuts.

the cuts the cuts the cuts the cutsthecutsthecuts-

She needed punishment. A reminder of her own failures. And suicide at this point would be just an escape. But was she willing to do it again? Desecrate her memories with the late queen by harming herself again?

…She couldn’t even keep her alive. Why did she think she deserved those memories with her? And again, she started cutting herself. A gash for Elberon. A slice for Thaymor. One for Alwyn, one for-

Adora stopped herself. Not for herself, but for worries that her combat capabilities would be hampered. 

And she did it again, finding a place that hadn’t been cut before. It was getting hard to find the places not wreaked with stripes, unnatural straight lines that brought shame to Adora every time she saw it. 

But she had to overdo it. She’d lost control, and the next moment the cut was too deep to not affect her. Reopened a wound that hadn’t fully healed, causing more damage than anticipated. She’d have to do her best to hide the wound until she was fully functional again.

Fortunately, She-Ra was needed more than Adora. And as long as she was She-Ra, she could hide her pains inside. To Adora, She-Ra was a sham. She didn’t know what she was doing, yet people seemed to regard her as a bastion of the Rebellion, the Protector of Etheria. 

But one mission required stealth, and She-Ra, as a glowing 8 feet tall warrior, didn’t meet the requirements. There was no choice, really. Only Adora and Bow were available, the other princesses on missions. 

And the attentive person that Bow was, he noticed immediately that something was wrong with Adora. She’d blank out randomly, react very sensitively to touch, and she would never look anyone in the eyes. But now Bow more or less figured out what was going on, by the way she clutched her arm, and winced whenever a stray branch grazed her arm. 

“Adora, I didn’t see you get hurt as Adora in some time. Did you trip inside the castle or something?” Bow played dumb, hoping Adora would tell him herself. Unfortunately, Adora didn’t.

“Yeah, the waterfall kind of overflowed and the floor was slippery.”

This was a bad lie; Adora had tripped or fell over before, and Bow could feel the vibration from the impact every time from his room. 

Knowing that steps too sudden would scare her away, Bow just said one thing gently. 

“If you want to talk about anything, I’m here. Okay?” Then he smiled slightly, being careful not to gently grab Adora’s hand out of habit.

After the mission, Bow laid on his bed, pondering about Adora when there was a timid knock at the door. It was Adora.

“Hey, Bow…? I… need to tell you something.”

“Of course! Anything for you, Adora.” Bow said in a way that implied that he knew but did not think Adora as someone less for it.

There were no words from Adora, just her pulling up her sleeves for a brief moment before covering her arms back again. That one moment was enough for Bow to see everything.

“Adora… can I hug you?” Adora reluctantly nodded, before letting the tears out under Bow’s embrace. 

“I’m sorry Bow, I let Glimmer down, i let you down, I let Queen Angella down, I’m so sorry I can’t be better-”

“Adora, no. Glimmer made her choices, and it’s not your fault. And you didn’t disappoint me, nor will you ever. As long as you’re you. And you don’t need to be better. You are good just being yourself, despite what anyone may say.”

Adora just sniffled and wiped her tears.

“Adora, can I… ask something?” Adora nodded.

“What exactly happened on the day we were kidnapped?”

So Adora told them everything, from the little squabbles regarding Mermista, to Glimmer’s words that echoed through her even now.

“She blamed you for Queen Angella?” Bow was outraged. The girl had self esteem issues from day one, and right as it was starting to go away, Glimmer decided to hammer it back in.

“She’s right. I should have closed the portal, be useful for once in my-”

“No. I will never let you talk about yourself like that. Adora, I need you to know that  _ you are worth more than you can give.  _ Glimmer may have forgotten that, and so have you- if you’ve ever known about it, but you’re not precious because you’re She-Ra. You’re just worth it because you’re you. You deserve all the happiness in your life, and much more if you ask me. Adora, how long have you been doing… this?”

“After the Battle for Bright Moon.”

Bow dismayed. She’s been at it for a year at this point, and Bow had failed to notice? What kind of a friend was he?

“Did… did anyone else know about it?”

“Queen Angella did. She got me to stop, for a while.”

“Adora, all we want from you is for you to be happy. Glimmer may have lost herself for now, but deep down I’m sure she’s regretting what she said too. And Queen Angella, she sacrificed herself to save you, right? For you to live. So live, Adora. This isn’t living. For yourself, and if you can’t do it for yourself, for me, Glimmer, and Queen Angella. Okay?”

Adora nodded. It was hard to stop, even thinking about Queen Angella. She relapsed, cut herself again, but Bow was there for her. And as time went on, after the fateful incident at the Heart, it became easier and easier to accept the message that she deserved to live. And so, the scars faded like the bitter memories of the War. And she thought, she was going to be okay. She was not perfect, and she had made mistakes, but that was okay. She was fine the way she was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This may be the last chapter, or there might be another chapter that takes place post canon, where Catra comforts her again. Depends on yall really.


	4. Catra

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The final chapter. Catra is in for a rude awakening when Adora attempts something big.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The final chapter y'all been waiting for! I hope you guys enjoy.

Still, Adora had second thoughts every now and then. The first few months after Prime’s defeat was eventful, to say the least; Catra helping with rebuilding Salineas, eventually forgiven and accepted by Salineans. Hordak being sent to Beast Island alone: Adora had made sure of it. Hordak may have shaken off his brother’s influence, but he had under his belt decades of suffering on Etheria, when he could have chosen a new life that did not involve creating a military state filled to the brim with child soldiers. And finally, Adora doing her best to help fix the locations ravaged by the war. Even the Fright Zone. Adora hated going back to the place, and Bow and Glimmer suggested that Adora and Catra take a vacation while the place was under renovation. Of course, Adora refused; Catra had already accepted out of a sense of guilt, and Adora wanted to be there for her.

The following months were also dramatic, too. Catra had gotten better through therapy, however, she sometimes relapsed. There were fights, and sometimes they were bad, but Catra’s good in her always came through at the end. And with years of support from Adora, the Best Friend Squad, and the other princesses (even Mermista!), the gaping wound on Catra’s psyche healed to a scar. 

Adora was so proud of Catra. Despite all her failings, despite the fact that Adora was unable to help her in any meaningful way during her times of suffering, Catra had still become a better person.

Adora was so proud of Glimmer and Bow. Glimmer had become wise with help from her father, and now the two were fixing problems from bandits on the roads to trade routes and reconstruction of infrastructure. 

That left her. Was she proud of herself?

  
  
  


Catra had a sudden and rude awakening at the middle of the night. Adora had shaken her awake, frantic to tell her something. Adora’s left hand was wet for some reason, a warm fluid trickling down to Catra’s arm. The scent was familiar. Blood.

Catra panicked. 

“Adora?”

“I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry imsorryimsorry-”

Catra ripped up some cloth from the blanket she was draped in, and wrapped Adora’s wrists hard to stop the blood flow. 

“Adora, I’m going to fetch a doctor, okay? Stay still and-”

“No, wait! Don’t call a doctor!”

“Adora, you might  _ die.  _ It’s not the Horde anymore, Adora, please.”

“I don’t want them to know. Catra, please. Can we just… keep it to ourselves?”

This was never going to happen, but Catra decided to hear her out and change her mind if possible. 

“All right, Adora. First, thank you for trusting me enough to come to me about this. I really am grateful. Second, Adora, why did you do this?” Catra asked in a gentle tone, trying to sound as non-accusatory as possible. 

It took an hour, as well as physical intimacy from Catra, for her to start talking.

“It’s… stupid.”

“Adora, no. You were there for me when I got better. I’m here for you anytime.”

“I’m feeling… obsolete.”

“Obsolete? Can you tell me a little more?”

“I feel like- I feel like nobody needs me anymore. Like… the war is over, everyone’s moved on, but I can’t. And that makes me- I don’t know, I just feel useless!”

Catra remembered what Perfuma had told her. And what she’s learned over the years, with everyone being so supportive. Catra took a deep breath.

“Adora, do you feel like you were meant for the war, and now that it’s over, you feel like you have no purpose anymore?” 

Adora, mouth agape, nodded. Apparently she was spot on.

“Can you tell me why you think that?” Catra more or less knew, but she felt like Adora should identify the sources of her distress in order to move past them. It would be hard, but it was the first step to healing. 

Adora pondered for a long time. 

“I was brought to Etheria to fight a war, by Light Hope. Then I was raised to be a soldier, a Force Captain by… her.” Catra somberly nodded.

“And I thought… I thought that I could right my wrongs at the Horde by becoming She-Ra, but it always felt like it wasn’t much different from being raised to be Force Captain. Y’know, the expectations.”

Catra nodded, though she couldn’t really relate. Nobody had expected much of Catra, even Adora at some point. Though it wasn’t really her fault, rather Shadow Weaver’s. 

“And when Shadow Weaver was the advisor to Glimmer, and Double Trouble was dividing us from within… Glimmer did some things, said some things. She apologized for it like a week after the war, but I think what she said stuck with me.”

Back at Horde Prime’s ship, Glimmer had mentioned that she had treated her friends terribly- of course, it was nothing to what Catra had done, or so she thought. But she never got to hear about the specifics. 

“What did she say? You don’t need to answer if it makes you uncomfortable.”

Adora just shook her head, not wanting to say it. Part of it was for herself, but the other part was for Catra. Catra opened the portal, and if she knew that this was related, it would devastate her. 

“... it was about Queen Angella, wasn’t it?”

Adora’s eyes widened. She looked up to see Catra, her face that of regret. 

“N-no.” Adora lied, but she was never a good liar. 

“It’s all right, Adora. I’m learning to forgive myself and make up for what I’ve done, but I can’t do that without knowing exactly what I caused.”

Adora hesitated still, before cautiously opening her mouth. “She said Queen Angella… got trapped in the portal because I wasn’t good enough.”

Catra’s blood boiled with rage, and she had to take a minute to calm down. After all, Glimmer wasn’t the only one who made mistakes.

“And Shadow Weaver- she made me feel like I was supposed to take the failsafe and save Etheria, and that you were a distraction to the greater good.”

“Well, she’s gone. And she was wrong.”

“Yeah, but still… I feel like the failsafe should have killed me. I’m lost, Catra. I feel like I don’t deserve any of this when I nearly failed everyone, and now that there’s nothing to fix, no problems that need me, I feel useless! The war was hard, but at least there were things I could do to help.”

Catra gently held Adora’s hand. “Adora, do you remember what Mara said to you? What you told me she said?”

“I am worth more than what I can give.”

“That’s right, Adora. Just because there’s nothing to fix anymore, doesn’t mean you’re not valuable at all. You are my dumb princess, and Glimmer, Bow, and the other princesses’ friend.”

“But I was literally brought into this world to fight-”

Catra shushed her, then told her to wait a bit before heading to the closet, bringing out a defunct stun baton. 

“Adora, do you know what this is?”

_ Was this even a question? Of course she knew what it was. Shadow Weaver would have Catra zapped every time she got it wrong.  _

“It’s a standard edition stun baton, specialized for mountaineers-”

“No. It’s my back scratcher. Since my claws don’t do it for me anymore since I clipped it.”

“But that’s a stun bat-”

“No. It’s my back scratcher. You know why? Because things can have a purpose even after it outlived the first one. Same for you, Adora. You may have been sent here to fight a war, but you are more than that.”

Adora was speechless. She knew Catra got better, but never did she imagine her to be so emotionally mature.

“Adora, this isn’t the first time you did this, is it? I remember this happening in the Horde.”

Adora nodded in shame, then told her about the times she had cut himself and how people close to her talked her away from it. 

“Adora, I’m sorry. I wasn’t exactly a good friend back at the Horde-”

Catra realized that Adora was intently staring at her and got flushed as a result.

“What?”

“Are you kidding me? You were the best thing I could have asked for in the Horde and more! I don’t think I would have even lived long enough to find the Sword without you. Shadow Weaver did all that stuff to divide us, make us hate each other. But it didn’t work. Because I loved you. And you loved me.”

Catra’s face reddened even more. Getting validation that she was loved and needed always got a kick out of her, especially when it came from Adora.

“Adora, thank you. But I have to ask you something. Will you get help? For me?”

Adora hesitated, weighing the pros and cons. She would eventually get better, yes. But was it really worth sharing her vulnerabilities to the world?

… or was sharing her vulnerabilities really a bad thing? Bottling it up only resulted in this botched attempt at… this, but sharing really got her to feel better.

And she trusted Catra. The girl who she was sure loved her for herself, more than anyone else. The one who saw Adora and loved her, when the rest of the world saw She-Ra. 

So she would get help. And one day, her wounds, physical or mental, would heal too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaaand that's it! It might feel a bit rushed because I had a couple of prompts, as well as old fics I need to complete and I kinda got antsy. I hope you liked it though, please leave a comment if you did!
> 
> Writing this was initially coping with the need for self harm that I had, by projecting it to my favorite cartoon protagonist and dumb gay, Adora. There were many aspects to her character I related with. Now, though, I realized a simple life writing fics would be better for me and I'm mostly happy! My friends and family have been supportive and I suppose that helped quite a bit. So anyways, I got better, and around the halfway point it wasn't coping, rather subliming my experiences into a fic which, I hope, would bring catharsis to you readers. Anyways Imma work on the empathy suppressed Adoras, bye bye!

**Author's Note:**

> Honestly I don't think I captured why Adora did it, especiall since to this day I have no conclusive answer on why I did it myself. Anyway, next time will be in somewhere between S1 and S2. I gotta finish up my other three works instead of just indulging myself in such sick activities like this, idk why I'm doing this


End file.
